Learning to love yourself – why you are so worth it!!

I LOVE YOU

So tell me honestly, how did you react to that? Let me say it again.

I LOVE YOU.

Did you notice any physical reaction that time? If it were me reading that on someone’s blog my initial knee jerk reaction would have been this… First I would instinctively pull away from the screen, then I would tut or huff and then probably mumble something under my breath like ‘bloody hippy’.

So why is it that just by the mere mention of love it promotes such fear into our being?

We are born from love, we die into love, so what exactly happens in between that really makes us shy away from the mere mention of it?

I believe it has a lot to do with conditioning and being unable to love ourselves and that is what I am going to write about today.

I’m going back in time now, back to when we were children. If you were a child of very young parents, or your arrival wasn’t exactly planned, you may have felt resentment at having ruined lives just by the mere existence of coming into being. You may have also heard any of the following statements..

You’re a horrible child
Having children ruined my life
I wish you’d never been born sometimes

Dejected, off you went, feeling as though you’d done something really awful. Time and again throughout your life you heard the same statements and as you got older a few more got added.

Imagine then, going off to school, already feeling like the son/daughter of Satan to then be confronted by the teacher from hell who made your life miserable. A few of the particularly nasty memories I have are my music teacher whacking me several times on the head with a recorder because every time I blew into the thing it squeaked (turns out someone had shoved gum down it). Being told by my Maths teacher that I was so dim I would probably end up a dustman (I did actually work with the dustmen at one point, salt of the earth they are too) and being humiliated by an English teacher who turned out to be a complete pervert!!

Do you ever remember wondering why it was that no matter what you did, it just wasn’t right by anybody and that you were always going to be a horrible child? As a consequence of that thought, did you run around and just try and please everyone you could so that you wouldn’t have to be that horrible child any more?

Is any of this resonating?

Maybe some of you jumped at the first real love relationship and got married at a ridiculously young age. This may have been good at first but possibly deteriorated further down the road into a situation where you felt suffocated and controlled. Maybe it simply came about because you continued to be a people pleaser to the detriment of your own self. You may have even suffered abuse.

Maybe you just gave up on love after allowing yourself to be trampled on once too often. Or just kept getting your heart broken.

Does any of this ring any bells?

We all know logically that our parents love us. That their actions were just a result of them being completely stressed out and fed up with their lives. Everyone has bad experiences at school with teachers too or bullying of some kind and lets face it we’ve all been in really really crap relationships at some point.

Does knowing all that change who we are though? No. That pain associated with love is still there, still festering away and every time someone shouts I LOVE YOU your heart shrinks back, hides and doesn’t want to play because it knows this is one game that its going to end up getting hurt by.

So, what do we do? Close our hearts down completely? Spend our lives giving all we can of ourselves in order to feel worthy but still too afraid to let love into our hearts? Well it is an option but truly, doesn’t the resentment start to build up when you give all you have but refuse to allow yourself anything good out of life and love?

Recognising and discovering the things that we’ve been conditioned to believe about ourselves is a good first step in finding our way back again. It really is important at this point not to fall into a trap of blaming everyone else for what we have become. All it will do is compound the problem and leave you feeling even angrier and more resentful.

So what do we do? What are our options when it comes to recovery and finding our way back to love?

It may be that professional help is the way to go, particularly if you have suffered particularly abusive relationships or there are issues that no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot sort out yourself.

If however, you are on a path of self discovery and are simply tired of going round and round with the same issues regarding love and self worth then read on.

The first and most basic step to recovery is realising that ironically you will never really be able to learn about giving or receiving love from someone else until you can really love yourself anyway so it’s a good idea to at least try and entertain that thought. Start by seeing that dejected child who tried so hard to please but constantly felt pushed away. Pick her/him up and give your little self a cuddle, tell your inner child that it is beautiful, loving, sweet, playful, joyful and that it is so worthy of being loved. Actually feel yourself completely loving your inner child. If you start to do this on a regular basis, the conversations you have with ‘little you’ will become more enlightening and you will probably start to remember aspects of yourself that you had long since forgotten. You’ll start to remember the daft little things that you used to do when you played by yourself that made you laugh and kept you entertained. There are some things I still prefer to do alone just because I like my own company. Finding that inner joy and remembering that you are still that joyous, happy child and that it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks so long as you remember it and feel it and radiate that out into the world is also one of the building blocks back to love.

Another very useful practice, not to be knocked is making time for yourself and utilising that time by doing a mixture of different things. Meditation is good for unblocking heart energy. Finding a connection with the Great Spirit, Creator, God, Goddess or whatever higher energy resonates with you will eventually lead you to a state of bliss that will probably knock your socks off. Remember it doesn’t just have to be felt during the meditation practice, that blissful state can be felt all the time. It all just takes time. Be patient with yourself, keep loving yourself and importantly keep loving everyone around you. Once you start to really find your own love of self, your perception of the world changes. The perception you have of the people around you will change too. You will start to see that for every angry word said, there is a need to be loved screaming at you. Be kind, be patient remember it wasn’t that long ago you were feeling like that yourself.

Aside from meditation, a physical regime of some kind is really good for getting the endorphines going and giving yourself a lift when you feel a bit low. I actually find that meditating on a step machine to fast tribal music is first class but its not for everyone. Learn a martial art or even find a dance class where you can really let your mind go and get your energy pumping will really help if you have spent years neglecting your own well being in favour of trying to please others. As your physical self starts feeling the benefit of healthy self love, so outwardly your appearance will also shine that bit brighter, making all that effort worthwhile, not just for yourself but for everyone.

Once you start to remember who you really are, the years of conditioning will gradually start to fall away. It won’t happen instantaneously, it will need commitment and focus but surely, you are worth it, aren’t you? Don’t get too frustrated with yourself when you start feeling all that needy stuff starting to show its face and you find yourself falling back into the trap again of over pleasing. If you have done the work, you will actually be able to catch yourself doing it. Laugh at yourself, take a step back, breathe and regain inner composure. Don’t expect too much of yourself too quickly, its all a learning process.

Once you do find your way back to self love you will find that your relationship with life and all of those around you will start to improve. You won't be looking for self gratification through anyone else now you know the value of loving yourself.

Be a little aware at this point that it is possible to love yourself so much that it can start to act as a protective shield. Knowing how to love yourself is one thing. Shutting out love from another because you already have all the love you need inside you is another thing entirely.

But that is another subject for another day.

Good luck and I really hope you learn to love you. You really are special and worth loving.

Finding your way through the crisis - don't ask me!! :)

How exactly how are we meant to deal with life’s major crisis points when everything comes to a head at the same time? I am writing this for all of you out there that are fighting to keep your heads above water while I go through the same thing myself. I don’t have all the answers okay so you’ll have to bear with me on this one as I navigate my way through it.

First off, keep loving everyone in your world, no matter what the circumstances are or how frustrated you may get. There will be times when you can’t, when you simply just have to find a corner somewhere to go have a cry. It’s release, it’s a good thing, it’s your hearts way of telling you it hurts and the pain needs to find a way out. Don’t let it stick with you, just cry until its done, wipe away the tears and motivate yourself to do at least one thing for yourself that you enjoy. Even if it is something simple like taking a hot shower or stepping outside for a walk under the stars. It does help.

If there are others looking to you for support, try to focus on the best way you can serve each situation. Whether it’s a listening ear, running errands or something more hands-on like healing or massage, most people will respond positively to any kind of care, kindness and love you can give them. Be soft in your approach, be gentle with their souls and let them know they are loved, treasured and that they are beautiful. Every soul, underneath its pain has its beauty and light waiting to shine forth. Help others to recognise that point. Remind them of their own strengths, of ways you’ve seen them overcome difficulties in the past. Show them the light that you see within them and help them to also see that strength within themselves. In the case of dealing with a very ill close relative, all I can say is love them, hold them, be a joy for them and take each day as it comes without dwelling on negativity and fear.

I’ve also made a sacred space for myself. A place where I can burn sage and incense, take my crystals and my serene music and pray and meditate. If you can find stillness and love within, this will serve you better than any person, thing or place when it comes to dealing with life in general. Take time to care for your own soul. Hold that little frightened child inside you and let it know that it really will all be okay, that it is loved and cared for and that nothing bad will happen. Hold the love in your heart and send it out to everyone in the world and the world itself. Just by regularly doing this one positive thing, it really does start affecting the world around you for the better.

If you are also facing issues like losing your job and how are you going to pay the mortgage or rent this month, all I can say is try and focus on the best way of dealing with this too. See if you can skim a bit off the budget in other areas. Don’t worry so much about Christmas, work on crafting something to give rather than stress about it. Speak to Citizens Advice, see if they can make any positive suggestions that you may have missed yourself. Do as many positive visualisations as you can and make affirmations for yourself every day. Ask for help. I've always found, that worrying doesn't help, just have to remember to breathe, take whatever action you physically can and know that life really wants to be kind, if you allow it to be. Somehow having this belief has always managed to keep a roof over my head even during the most dire of times. Leading a simple life helps too!!

Most of all, in the middle of the storm.. don’t panic!! You will survive, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for and when you are out of this rough patch it will serve to help not only yourself in the future but other people too . Really it’s just life’s way of telling you that certain doors may need to close in order that others may open and that all life moves in cycles. Just look out of your window and see the winter coming in, knowing that springtime will eventually follow… and it will.

And remember.. no-one expects you to be super-human. Give as much as you can, love as much as you can but remember to treat yourself with the same amount of love and kindness that you show everyone else.

And if like me, you still can’t help being a drama queen/king then just ride it out, soon enough you’ll start to see the funny side and recognise when your inner child is just throwing a tantrum. At that point, remind yourself.. and this is really important.. that you are blessed for having the people in your life that you do. That you are going through a huge transformative phase and that really you aren’t doing so bad so don’t be so down on yourself.

There will be more to follow on this subject - watch this space.

Sending you all love and light in the wish that life is always kind to you.

Feeding The Fire Within

I sat and thought long and hard this morning about ways in which we can enrich our lives in these times of scarcity. After all, we’re in it for the long haul and simply have no choice but to find ways during the hard times to keep our hearts uplifted in order that we may live our lives to the fullest.

Retail therapy was fine while it lasted but did you not feel that for every acquisition, the joy was all so brief, leaving once again a hole that needed to be filled by something else?

So my question is this, exactly how do you nourish your soul? What is it that gives you the motivation to get up and go with a spring in your step and a big wowee at the start of the day?

I would like to share with you some of the ways I feed my own soul in own in order to keep my inner fire alive and well and ready for anything.

BEING CREATIVE - GO FOR IT!!

WAND MAKING
I have a strange fascination for picking up twigs. Sometimes I accidentally trip on them while I’m out walking in the woods, sometimes I just see one and it sparkles at me, often its because I’ve had a calling that its time to join the crystal with the wood and create some magic!! Mostly that’s the reason. I always have someone in mind when I create a wand. A lot of love goes into the hours spent with a rough bit of sandpaper on the porch steps until I see the spirit of the twig starting to wake up. It also takes a long time to find the right crystal for that twig spirit. It has to be the right one. Usually a crystal will call me and I know that its telling me that its time for magic now. Strangely some of the wands I’ve made have actually called out a name as I’ve joined them together. As usually is the way, the name it gives opens up yet another magic box of learning. I like to adorn them with ribbons and beads and special stones with holes in that I pick up from the beach.. wogle stones my dad always calls them. I like to put feathers on them too, it all goes into the spirit of wand making. Really its all about creating something with love and joy that you hope that someone else will either find healing with or find strength and power from. I also like to rub some special oils into them, again it all goes into the spirit of creating something and giving it life. I like to meditate with mine. I am experimenting, trying to see if I can capture the pure open hearted unconditional love that is found when the heart is open during meditation and channel that into the wand for healing. Not having much success yet but am in early stages.

WRITING
I love to write. I have always loved to write. Actually that’s a lie. I hate filling out forms, tire of writing all those serious red tape letters that sit on the shelf crying for attention. I do however, love to write creatively. There is something about letting your heart connect directly with your hand that seems to be able to totally bypass any logic in the brain therefore letting the subconscious run riot and have the wildest fun in its life. It’s the best method I have found yet in opening the channel to your heart and letting whatever emotions have been stored away gathering dust, long pushed down and avoided, rise to the surface, with no restrictions. Its often hard within the daily play of life to be able to fully express ourselves and our deepest fears without the misunderstandings that sometimes accompanies human communication resulting in stagnant negative energy, which if left to accumulate leaves us feeling a bit in the dead zone. My advice, if you feel the inclination, get your pen out and go with the flow. You’ll be amazed at what you find inside and better able to deal with the world when you get to know yourself a bit better. Of course, this also applies to anything creative that you find to be a joy whether it’s painting, making music, gardening, anything that sparks that inner flame. Being creative isn’t about being a perfectionist at what you are doing but the enjoyment that is gained by doing something you truly enjoy. Share the results with others, even if it makes them laugh it will remind them of where their own creative talents lie hidden away

Finding the Joy in Nature

As a young girl, one of the things I enjoyed doing more than anything was playing in my grandfathers back garden. His garden was a joy; it was filled with colour and big enough to race around and lose myself in. This was my grandfathers passion and in turn, as a young girl, it also became my own. I would dance through his flower beds on a broom (which was of course my pretend horse)
fully unaware that forty years later I would be out working on a garden nursery in a beautiful location, still in fact dancing with my broom (which had now become a microphone stand for that wild rock child within). This joy never left me and as a result has constantly managed to help me retain the inner child that loves to play and has been my best teacher and guide. I have made some of the best and funniest friends in the frog world. And as for the birds, the best lessons in survival are found outside with them on a cold winter’s day. Just ask one of them, they’ll share with you their own secrets if you are quiet enough to listen.